I hate the phrase “dating market”. I understand why people use it, but they shouldn’t.

A “market” is a structure that operates based on supply and demand. In theory, goods and services are (a) broadly interchangeable, and (b) priced to meet the equilibrium of supply and demand. If you apply this to dating, you get the conclusion that in order to obtain a “valuable” or “in-demand” partner, you need to be able to pay the “price”. You need to be “valuable” in and of yourself to make the partnership valid.

This way of thinking has some truth to it and some utility to it. It forces people who are not able to get the partner they want to take on some personal accountability and try to “improve” themselves to fix this issue. They might do this by increasing their fitness or their emotional maturity or by optimizing their appearance.

The problem I have with this way of thinking is that it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Economists make up theories about how they think the world works (or how they think it should work), and if you believe their theory, then it becomes reality. But that doesn’t mean that this is the best way for things to be. I don’t think that dating should operate like a market.

Say for the sake of argument that you’re a man who loves 5’0” - 5’8” women with brown skin, a fat ass, good communication skills, and an undeniable sense of humor. Does that make every woman who possesses these qualities interchangeable? Can you put a price on these people? Can you objectively say that one is better or more valuable than another?

No, because (a) no two people are identical and (b) a person’s value you to you depends almost entirely on your relationship with them. A person’s value to you (and your value to others) is so deeply contextual that it makes no sense for us to treat ourselves like products that will be compared based on specs. Sure, flashy specs will help you get attention, and robust internal work will help you keep it, but at the end of the day, relationships contain many confounding variables and contradictions.