I’ve spent a lot of time trying to pick apart what the difference between a “romantic” relationship and a “platonic” one is. I tried to come up with answers that were related to boundaries - friends can do this, but only lovers can do that. But these answers were never really satisfying.

It’d be easy to say, for example, that one doesn’t kiss their friends, except that sometimes I do, and that doesn’t automatically convert the relationship into a romantic one. Hugs, kisses, cuddles and tender touches are all just different ways of expressing affection and/or attraction. I can rest my head on my homeboy’s shoulder. I can let my homegirl take a nap with her head in my lap. I can tease and flirt and play and touch and still be friends.

So if the difference isn’t about what you do and don’t do, then what is it about? The next answer I tested was the level of commitment and trust. Lovers often move together, build their whole lives together. They make huge compromises in order to be together. They learn how to communicate and work together tightly because for lovers, there’s a minimum level of intimacy required for the relationship to function at all.

It’s less common to see this in friendships … but it’s not unheard of. I think the main reason this is less common is because it’s somewhat discouraged in our individualistic culture, our culture which views the nuclear family as the only sacred bond, but not because it’s less valid. Does it really make sense to say that your bond with your best friend of 10 years isn’t as strong as your bond with your partner of 2-3 years? Not always. Your best friend might actually understand you better, trust you more, and be more reliable, and if that’s the case, you’d be wise to act like it!

So then what is “romance”? What makes a “lover” distinct from a “friend”?

I think it’s the excitement that I feel, and the irrationality that it begets.

Being with my friends might make me feel at ease, or like I’m having fun, or like we can take over the world together.

Being with a lover might make me feel any of things, but it also makes me feel like I’m special. It makes me feel an attachment and an attraction that seems to come from nowhere. It makes me feel a rush, where my heartrate speeds up and my cheeks flush a bit. It makes me want to imagine a fanciful future with them by my side. Even if our relationship isn’t old enough or deep enough to justify these thoughts and feelings, they still gush out. Over time, as I spend more time with this person and our relationship becomes battle-tested, these thoughts and emotions are retroactively justified. However, that doesn’t change the fact that their origin is still a bit mysterious.

In contrast, friendships appear very logical. The strength of your friendship and the way you feel about each other depends only on what has happened between you and what has happened to each of you. The best friendships form out of proximity, shared experience, and shared values.

I think the irrational aspect of the lovers’ relationship is why people make such big bets on their partners - the bet you make on your partner doesn’t have to make sense, because sense wasn’t what got you into that relationship in the first place. Obviously the relationship will eventually fail without compatibility and maturity, but those aren’t the attributes that cause it to form.

In contrast, to make such a big bet on a friend, it either has to make sense, or you have to be a person who doesn’t concern themselves with such things.

I reached this conclusion by thinking about someone I fell in love with earlier this year. We’re now friends, but the path to get there felt distinctly different from how I’ve acquired most of my friends – it felt like if the attraction was mutual, we could’ve been lovers instead. I was obsessed with her in a way that doesn’t happen to me very often. It was different from the attraction that I feel towards every pretty girl, and it was also different from the attraction that I feel towards a potential friend. I was thinking about her all the time when she wasn’t around, and whenever she was around and she smiled at me, it completely arrested my nervous system. It was completely irrational.

I kept spending time with her because her attention felt like what I imagine stimulants are like, and ended up learning enough about her personality and meeting enough of her friends and showing her enough of myself and having enough tough conversations for a friendship to form.

Even though she still charms me when she smiles, I feel differently about her now. I used to overthink these things, but now I think that that difference in how I feel is all that’s needed for bona-fide friendship.